"The bud was spread to show the rose,
our Saviour smiled,
the bud was closed."
Anon




Dear Lord Jesus,
I wanted to sit my baby in my lap and tell
him about you. But since I never had that
chance....Can you sit him in your lap and
tell him about me"




This memorial website was created in the memory of our precious child Christopher Josef who taught us so much about love and loving one another in his short time here. 
We will remember him forever.
  The start of our story was when we found out we were pregnant after
10 years and no birth control. We figured it just wasn't going to
happen, so we got on with life to its fullest. Our son is 10 years
old and "trained" to where we could be independent again and do
things we wanted to do. We took a pregnancy test March 17th and we
were  surprised and excited. When we had our 1st OB appt., we were 
excited about having a baby again. Then after we were
referred to the "high risk" docs, since I would be 39 at the time of
giving birth, we started getting worried. We ended up with what we
call a "doom and gloom" doctor who advised an amniocentesis to
confirm any trisomy disorders since my blood test came back as very
high risk for trisomy 18 and 13 but low risk for down’s. We refused at first  At the 10th week U/S, we were told of an area in the
baby's abdomen that could be fetus in fetu (  nonviable twin inside his abdomen),we were okay with this as it could be surgically removed. I am an RN, so this was something I could deal with. Then on following ultrasounds, we were told his chin was recessed, kidneys enlarged,stomach enlarged, nose too flat, and a heart defect (VSD). This scared us and we did the amnio just so we could be prepared. We figured if it was trisomy 18 or 13, we could be prepared and have hospice waiting. Chromosomes came back normal. So okay, deep breath of relief and everything is okay. Heart defect can be fixed. Kidneys can clear up after birth according to urologist; my mom has a small chin that runs in the family. Oh, the praying I did during the pregnancy. My faith has grown a thousand fold since all this. I went through the bargaining with God, the anger at the doctors, the denial at what the doctors were trying to tell us, the self sacrifice stage and all the normal grieving stages just during the pregnancy.  I had polyhydramnios (way too much amniotic fluid) so I was in constant pain. My levels kept increasing too much too fast during the last 3 months of the pregnancy. My uterus measured at 37 weeks as if I was 47 weeks pregnant.  I went on bedrest in October due to pain, back spasms and contractions. The docs were starting to get worried my uterus would
rupture or would become “mushy” after the birth and they wouldn’t be able to control the bleeding and have to do a hysterectomy. They all seemed very surprised that I had lasted this long. The fetal lung maturity amnio came back as very low, too low at 37 weeks. I was in denial about this and thought “maybe it’s just diluted and that’s why it comes back as low”. I had a c-section at 38 weeks (4 days after the amnio for FLM) due to pain, shortness of breath and I was having difficulty even walking without pain. I had started about 2 weeks previously having excruciating back pain and pain in my sides. I figured out that I had torn or strained by muscles that hold up the abdomen and uterus due to all the extra fluid and the size of my belly. I had about 5 liters of fluid in my belly that came out during the c-section. They say the baby didn’t have to be pulled out; he swam out in all that fluid. I keep thinking that if I had just worked through the pain and lasted another week or two, the baby would be okay. 
  Christopher was born at 6:33pm on Nov 7th and he was beautiful. His cry was not strong and they whisked him off the NICU. What I found out later from his records is that he was already having breathing issues. His O2 sats were very low, heartrate in the 80’s, dusky and had to be “ambu’ed”. His Apgar scores were 6 and 9. After that his sats stayed in the high 80’s which the doc’s were okay with considering his heart defect. They discovered he had imperforate anus, duodenal atresia, bilateral hydronephrosis (L>R). I recovered well enough from the spinal to go and see him the next day. I wish I had gone earlier or spent more time with him. They took him to surgery that afternoon (11-8-06) for duodenal atresia (where his intestines were not connected to his stomach). They also discovered he had malrotation of the intestines and an annular pancreas and
that is when all the trouble really started. It actually started as soon as they were trying to intubate him or start the central venous line. His sats dropped into the 30’s, heartrates dropped, b/p dropped and toes and fingers became cyanotic but his lips were pink. For a period of about 30 minutes, they couldn’t get any o2 sat readings. They think he had a
crisis called PPHN (persistent pulmonary hypertension of the
newborn). The cardiologist came in during surgery and said he could still have the surgery done and this crisis might last about 2 weeks. After the surgery was done, they brought him back to the NICU and he started having trouble again. They got him stabilized. 
  I woke up from a deep sleep all of a sudden around 1am and decided to call NICU to see how Christopher was or if I could come see him. The neonatologist came up to speak with me because he had taken a turn for the worse and they couldn’t get him stabilized. They said he is going to be transferred to Shands in Gainesville and possibly placed on ECMO (heart lung bypass) to give his lungs a chance to rest and treat what they thought was PPHN. 
That lasted 39 days before he grew angel wings.
Many ups and downs (kidney failure requiring immediate dialysis, multi organ shutdown), toes turining purple due to decrased circulation, fluid buildup around his lungs. Ccelebrations of the good days( sats in the high 80’s to low 90’s, b/p’s in good ranges without medications), lots of hope and praying, and the doctors didn't want to give up. I cried alot during those days. I think I kind of knew what was to come. He finally stopped absorbing the oxygen that was being given to him through the ECMO circuit. Now we are awaiting autopsy results which could take months. The doctors finally think it was a condition called Alveolar Capillary Dysplasia
which is fatal. He had all the classic signs. 

April 10th, 2007  We got final diagnosis on cause of death and it is ACD which is what we suspected.
Please go to the address below to learn more about this devastating condition:

www.acd-association.com


Thoughts for our baby


We’re Sorry

We’re sorry we couldn’t hold you
We’re sorry we couldn’t make your pain go away
We’re sorry we couldn’t comfort you
We’re sorry we couldn’t cuddle with you
We’re sorry we couldn’t be with you everyday
We’re sorry you had to suffer for your short time with us
We’re sorry you had to go through so much

We wish we had spent more time with you
We wish we could have held you close
We wish we could smell you
We wish we could kiss you
We wish we could bathe you
We wish we could rock you to sleep
We miss you
We wish you were here

We love you more than words can say

Your mommy and daddy
Andrew & Diana Locke 




We would like to thank everyone involved in Christopher's care: 
Wolfson's children's Hospital, Jacksonville Florida,
Dr. David Boyd OB/GYN
Dr. Gary Soud, Pediatrician who never saw Christopher but provided so much support to me during pregnancy.
All of the office staff at North Florida OB/GYN office
NICU staff at Wolfson's Children's Hospital
L&D staff at Baptist Medical Center (downtown)
Postpartum unit Baptist Medical Center
Shands Hospital Lifeflight (Gainesville)
Shands Gainesville NICU 3 nurses and staff
Dr. Sandra Sullivan, Shands Gainesville (such a wonderful and caring doctor, Christopher really enjoyed her voice)
Dr. Boehnke (Shands Gainesville) Who showed us so much support
Dr. Elizabeth Bierle (surgeon in charge of Christopher's ECMO)
Dr. David Kays
Amy,Nurse Practioner (Shands Gainesville) A special person
Andrea, Nurse Practitioner (Shands Gainesville) A special person
Jessica, ECMO tech Shands Gainesville. Who taught us so much about love!
All the wonderful nurses, doctors, fellows, cardiologist, radiologists, weekend staff, receptioninsts, social workers and anyone who helped us in any way.
The numerous nurses  in NICU 3 who were there for me to cry on their shoulders, answer my questions and provided so much support to us.
To Nurse Joy for the wonderful thoughtfulness and beauty in the pictures she took for us.
And especially Dr. Danielle Walsh, Surgeon, Wolfson's Children's Hospital for the wonderful care and compassion during our time with Christopher and after.

Also to all our friends and family who have supported us during our difficult time and been shoulders to lean on and cry on.

To the ACD Association for providing us with so much support and information:
http://www.acd-association.com/

To all the Yahoo online support groups that have been there for me:
The Angel Connection group
Healing Hearts Haven support group
Infant Loss support group
ECMO Kids support group
MISS Foundation
SHARE
TLC Limited
Compassionate Friends
Angel Wing Parents
Caleb Cares Ministries
Infant loss Group Wolfson's Children's Hospital
and anyone elso who I may have left out.

www.portraitsbydana.com   for the wonderful portraits.



 Made for Christopher by Angel Faith's mommy





I think of you

When the rays of the sun
break through the clouds,
I think of you.

When the gentle breeze of the wind
caresses my cheeks,
I think of you.

When I hear the sweet cry
of a baby ,
I think of you.

When I see mommies
holding their children close,
I think of you.

When I see rainbows
lighting up the sky
after a quenching rain,
I think of you.

When I feel my heart
breaking in two.
I think of you.

Will I ever
be content to just
think of you?

When will my heart stop
breaking whenever
I think of you?

Written by Diana Locke
In memory of precious
Christopher Josef Locke
My angel 























Blue Butterflies for Christopher Josef


Throughout our life, there are rare occasions,
when someone as gentle, lovely and transient as a butterfly,
will drop by, touch our life
and stay just long enough to leave something
so precious and beautiful that will always remind us,
that they have been.
Anonymous.















These candlez will stay lit for our precious Christopher Josef.
Like our love for him and our yearning for him, they will never go out.
 
We love you and miss you so much sweet angel.
Mommy, Daddy and Paul


















A tribute to all the soldiers who have given their lives for our freedom and to those who continue to dedicate their lives to fight for our freedom!




Grief is
mental anguish
arising from a loss
bereavement or abandonment
trouble, difficulty
annoyance or
sorrow.
I grieve
and long for you
when you’re no longer here
My days and nights are filled with tears
There’s a hole in my heart
forever there
left open. 





Always With Me

Is the cool breeze you my Angel?
Whispering......I am here.

Is the gentle rains that fall you?
Kissing my face.

Is the stream's bubbling gurgle you?
Talking to me.

Is the sun's warmth your
hand carressing my face?

The stars that sparkle so bright from heaven above....
Is this you, smiling at me?

When I hear the rustle of tree's
Is this you my Angel telling me
"I love you"?

Are you there? Just out of reach but always in my heart.
Are you there my Angel?

Author: Rosaleen Deschamps...Bellamy. Summer 2002. 






Remember me when flowers bloom, early in the spring. Remember me on sunny days,in the fun that summer brings. Remember me in the fall, as you walk in the leaves of gold, and in the wintertime,remember me in the stories that are told. But most of all remember each day right from the start I will be forever near,for I live within your heart. 






IN THE LIGHT"

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My spirit is with you.
My memories, my thoughts are
imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.

Do not for one moment think
that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard --
these are the places I stay with you.

My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish, it grows stronger.

I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,

I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.

I still crave your understanding and
long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.

As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love
deeper into your consciousness.

As you should,
call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.

My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.

Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.

Talk to me and somehow I will find a way
to answer you.
I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are,
where ever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.

When you feel despair, reach out to me.
I will come.

My love for you truly does
transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest
that you had when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.

Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light...
~ Author unknown 






Forever and for all eternity

My love for you is unending.
It is forever and for all eternity.
It doesn’t change with the passing seasons.
It seems to become stronger.
The sadness will be replaced.
With what, I’m still not sure.

With the coming of Spring,
I think of you when I see,
All the new buds on trees, the animals with
their new babies.
The flowers start to spring out of the ground.
New life is starting.
But there is one missing.
The most important one to me.

Summer comes with the heat.
The days are longer.
My heart yearns to be with you.
To do family things that
Come with summer season.
Baseball, Soccer, swimming,
the beach.

Fall comes a little gentler.
The trees seem to echo
my feelings of sadness.
The leaves drop and the tree
is bare like my soul.

Winter comes and my heart breaks.
The celebration of our Lord’s start to life
is almost too much to bear.
Everything looks so raw.
Grass has died, flowers have died.
My soul has died again.

New Year’s, it all starts again.
Maybe the pain will get easier
with each passing year.
I can only hope and pray.

Until I see you again, my sweet.
Know that I love you forever
And for all eternity


Written by Diana Locke
In memory of Christopher Josef 




















Thank you to Angel baby Faith's mommy, Terry, for the beautiful graphics









http://www.angelteddybears.org/




This tree, like our love, goes through the seasons and will always live. We love you and miss you so much,
mommy, daddy and big brother Paul









But for a moment in time

I had you for only a moment.
A bright light in my heart.
A new piece to my soul.

In that moment,
I saw love.
I saw our future,
Yours and mine.

In that moment,
I knew what it meant
To love so much that
You can’t catch your breath.

In that moment,
I saw Heaven.
I saw the Glory of our Lord.
I saw the angels.
I saw you!

In that tiny moment of time,
My life changed.
It became meaningful.
It became so full of love.
It became so different.

What I wouldn’t give
For another
Moment in time
With you!

By Diana Locke
For Christopher Josef
7-12-07 







PRECIOUS CHILD
Words and Music by Karen Taylor-Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart 




Thank you so very much to DJ for the beautiful gift for Christopher's 1st birthday!


My sweet angel baby.
Happy Birthday!!!!




Today we wish you a happy birthday. 
Instead of a cake and party goers,
All we have to give you are flowers, tears and balloons on your gravesite.
How we wish this was different.
We miss you terribly and
wish you were here with us.
WE LOVE YOU!!!!



My Christopher Box
by Kelly Pelosi

Once again, I open the closet door and there you are
staring at me, piercing at my heart.
The contents of you are so precious,
I take you to a special place,
Slowly I caress your lid so gently until finally I can open you.
A surge of you numbs my body.
For a few minutes, I am motionless as your nine months
pass by in just a few short seconds.
I take care to read every card, as if I were reading them for the first time.
I could recite each by now but I don't.
These are all I have of you.
As I make my way to the bottom, careful to keep everything
in its proper place,
I see you, beautiful pictures of you, 
all covered in white.
So pure, so peaceful.
As I hold you to my heart, we rock together as I dreamed we would.
I feel your soul so connected to mine.
I cry. No, I sob. 
The ache in my arms to hold you...
I pull myself away as I know I must do.
I pause to hold your footprints.
And place your bracelet with your name so proudly engraved in my arms.
After our final moment together, I put you back in your special place.
Knowing that I really never put you away because you are 
part of my heart.
As my final prayer to God, please take care of my precious one.
As I await the day that you and I are one.



Flowers for my Christopher Josef's 1st birthday!!!!


As the dreaded day approaches 
I find myself still in a fog sometimes.
Hard to believe it has been a year.
Seems like just yesterday.
Never knew I could miss and love someone this much.
My heart still breaks when I think of you,
Which is almost every minute of every day.
They say in time, it gets easier.
I don't ever want to forget you or not think of you.
That just wouldn't be right.
You will forever and always 
be my baby,
my sweet chunky monkey,
my sweet angel.
I look forward to the day 
when I see you again,
can finally hold you,
for my arms ache so bad,
feel so empty.
Look for the lights on your angel day.
They will be burning bright just for you!
I love you so much.
More that you could ever know.
Loved you from the very beginning.
Before I even saw you.
mommy



Ascending Angel in Christopher's garden



Angel in Christopher's garden


Thank You to Beth for the beautiful gift!!





Although Christopher is spending Christmas in Heaven,
We know he is safe and he is in the Arms of God.
We love him and miss him.

Mommy, Daddy & Paul

THE COMFORTER

As I sat by my baby`s bed
That’s open to the sky
There fluttered round and round my head
A radiant butterfly

And as I wept-of hearts that ache
the saddest in the land
It left a lily for my sake
And lighted on my hand

I watched it, oh, so quietly
And though it rose and flew
As if it fain would comfort me
It came and came anew

Now where my darling lies at rest
I do not dare to sigh
For look! there gleams upon my breast
A snow-white butterfly

Author Robert W. Service

Forget me not

 
We are the ones God chose to take
We are the ones you could not wake
We are the buds you see on a tree
We are the ones whose spirit runs free

We are the bulbs you may plant in spring
We are the sound when you hear the birds sing
We are the ones that could not cry
We are the ones He chose to die

Our tears are the tips of the morning dew
We are the ones that you never knew
We are the rain that`s left on the grass
The test for life we did not pass

We are the bees you hear hum
We had no voice to call you Mum
We are the forest that fragrance the wood
To be with you, if only we could

We are the sun, the clouds, the moon
We are the blooms that went too soon
We are the stars that shine above
We are the ones you could not love

Forget-me-nots that`s what we are
We grow in your garden not very far
We are a heart broken in two
We are the ones who belong to you

We are the ones you could not share
We are the empty space you see there
So really you see us in every way
Forget me not for every day


author Lanette Lusk

When tomorrow starts without me
and I am not here to see,
if the sun should rise
and find your eyes all
filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
while thinking of the
many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand.

Author: Unknown

To the child in my heart

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
you will always be to me.
So perfect, pure and innocent,
just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
and all that it would be
We waited and longed for you
to come and join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
and listen to your giggle.

I'll always be your mother,
he'll always be your dad.
You'll always be our child,
the child that we had.

But now you're gone, but yet you're here,
we'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy,
there's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong,
We'll forget you never!!!
The child we had, but never had,
and yet will have forever

Author unknown

The Rain